PND

This is something you hear, read about but never think that you will get that.

Well nothing in the world can prepare you for giving birth or with me - leaving the twins at hospital and be able to go home without babies.

So many things was taken away from you when your babies are born premmies:
1. You can't see them straigh away, only see the faces and off they go to NICU
2. You can only see them the next day after the doc give the thumbs up to remove the drip and cateter and then you feel like a sombie to walk and can't walk for a long time - so off you go in a wheelchair
3. I never changed the first nappie or even saw the dark sticky poo they had
4. I never got to bath them first, nurse did that after 3 days in NICU
5. I can't take my babies home with me and no one eccept me, hubby and grand parents are allowed to see them

Sitting in NICU, seeing your babies lay their, nothing wrong, no machine on them except the one to monitor oxygen and heartrate but still they are so small and can't even hold their body temp and they are so small to pick up - I was affraid something will happen if I pick them up, they look so fragile.

Then comes the breastfeeding and the girls think it is a nice dummy to suck and fall asleep on, they got tired very fast so resulting in them not drinking at all so now we are on the bottles to see if we can get out of NICU and not sit there for ages. I felt guilty for a long time for not being able to breastfeed them even though they got breeast milk up until 8 weeks, so that is not too bad, atleast they got some.

But all of this is hard on a person and it is getting worse when you take them home and struggle on your own, sleep very little and have a hubby who went hunting every 2nd weekend and leaving us alone at home.

I never thought I will get PND but never ever in my life again I want to go through that again and feel like nothing matter in the world, you don't want to get up to feed the babies or even to get dressed.

But that is all gone now and loving the babies and to see how they develop makes all the struggling forth while!!